I get knocked down

I've always thought I had bad luck.

Then you go to a place where bad luck is the fact of life. It's not luck anymore, in that case, it just becomes life. This is the place called Palestine.

The odds of things going wrong, of unexpected failures compounding the expected misery...such things are high in this placed called Palestine. Because it's not really a country, sorry to be frank to all the hopefuls out there, but there is no country called Palestine. I don't say this to allude to Zionist proclamations, or because I have (as some say) a 'defeatist' attitude, but because if there really is a Palestine, I wouldn't have gone through what I did.

Here's what happened.

Making sure I don't overstay my VISA, I left to Jordan through the Allenby Bridge (King Hussein) in Jericho 5 days before my VISA expired. My intention was to visit family in Ain el Basha near Amman for four days and then come back to Palestine via the Northern Crossing (Sheikh Hussein).

The reason I planned to travel back to Palestine through the Northern Crossing is because my cousins are students at Yarmouk University in Irbid, near that Crossing. But more importantly, I've been told multiple times that the Northern Crossing is easier than the Allenby Bridge. I heard horror stories of interrogation sessions that lasted hours and hours only to get rejected in the end. My sources are word of mouth and internet, of course. There are no rules of thumb for these things. You just hear stories and make your decision based on them. (that's how it works here)

This crossing, the Northern Crossing, is not meant for Palestinians who hold a Hawiyeh (Palestinian ID card), it is meant for tourists or Arab Israeli's. Now technically, I'm a tourist so I should be a shoe-in. But here were my potential problems:

1. This is my third entry in one year

2. I have Palestinian heritage. (name/appearance--HIJAB)

Then you are confronted with the realization that holding an American passport is useless. The US Consulate in Israel states clearly on its website that Palestinian-Americans, whether you hold a hawiyeh or not, may be denied entry. The US has no power to ease the entry of its own citizens in the country that owes its lifeline to. Sad right?

So to better your odds, people generally tell you that if you insist you don't go the West Bank, or say you have family in Israel (with proof), or take the Northern Crossing...you'll be fine. They might interrogate you, you might wait a while, but in the end...they will let you in.

Other advises you get,

1. Be confident

2. Be consistent

3. Don't lie - really important. If you get caught lying, you are guaranteed denial of entry and possible problems in the future.

I was confident, I had all the right ingredients to enter Palestine. As soon as I was dropped off on the Jordanian/Israeli border, I paid an exit tax of 8 JD and got on a bus that drove through the official Israeli side of the border. You are greeted with Israeli flags and the lovely faces of Israeli officials. (Not Palestinian flags and definitely not Palestinian officials.)

The line is short, another advantage of the Northern Crossing. So it took less than 20 minutes from the time I waited in line until the interrogation began. (that's pretty short, Allenby took almost an hour)

I sat alone on a green bench while my passport was being escorted inside..that room. Here's another difference between this wait and the Allenby or Ben Gurioun. In Allenby, you are not alone. There are others like you, who are being questioned. Same with Ben Gurioun.

But here, I was alone. And because there were only 20ish people all together, in a matter of 15 minutes, they were all gone. The entire room was empty as I sat on the green bench all by myself...my bags were put aside and my passport somewhere..inside.

About 20 minutes later, a blonde official walked up to me and introduced himself as security. I was just sitting and had no intention of getting up...but he had ego issues so he said,

"Stand up"

so I stood, lazily.

"What is the purpose of your visit to Israel?" (not Palestine)

"visiting family"

"Where?"

"Ramla"

"Ramallah?"

"No, RAMLA"

"How many times have you come to Israel?"

"Three"

"Do you have any weapons on you?

I had to smile the 'wtf' smile..."no"

"Are you delivering anything to anyone?"

"No"

He was flipping through my passport as we were talking.

"Ok wait here," he said before going back inside the room with my passport.

As I waited near the green bench, the kind that they have at parks in the US, a random Israeli (unknown title) was walking around staring at me and finally asking me "What's your name?" in Arabic. I told him. "Where are you going?"

"Ramla"

"Ramallah?"

"RAMLA"

I gave him a serious attitude, and he returned that attitude when he told me to sit down when I had decided to keep standing up.

10 minutes later, the man behind the window counter where everyone else went and recieved their VISA's called on me. wow, that was quick, hell yeah is what I stupidly thought.

So I walked towards him when the random unknown Israeli guy runs towards me and says "Go back and sit!"

"He just called me"

"GO SIT," and then he turns to the guy behind the counter and says something in Hebrew.

So I sit. Because apparently I'm not allowed to stand. On the green bench. And I wait. I couldn't read my book because they had it all set to the side. I just sat. And the random dude kept walking pass by me, looking at me, and judging from his good Arabic, he was probably a Druze. A fellow Palestinian.

A lady finally comes and in a harsh tone tells me I overstayed my VISA for 20 days. I contested and said that wasn't true, she insisted as she stared at my VISA. She's wrong and at first, I thought she accidentally misunderstood. But there is no way she could have misread it. It was intentional. She was intentionally accusing me of something she knew wasn't true.

Then the blonde came and started to demand with so much anger.. why I was coming so many times. Why did I go to Jordan? Why do I keep coming back? Why Israel? Why not another country? What is the real purpose? Don't you have a job? How do you have money? Give me one good reason you are coming!

I keep replaying this scene. It was so horrible. It was degrading. Insulting. Humiliating. I can handle the questions. But the psychological terror he was trying to induce me was clearly a tactic he chose because he was a hateful, racist Israeli. I've been through interrogations at checkpoints and entries before, but not like this. Not angry malicious psychological warfare you see investigative cops do on criminals.

My crime was that I wasn't giving him the answer he wanted. He went back in the room and I sat, waiting.

He comes back out within minutes and accuses me of lying.

"You crossed"

"Crossed what? Through Qalandiyah?"

"Yeah, twice."

"Yeah I did, I went to the West Bank"

"You lied. You lied to me three times"

"WHAT are you talking about? When did I lie?? You never asked me if I went to the West Bank, Yeah I DID go, twice. So what?"

"You are lying. Everything. You are lying about everything!!!"

"What did I lie about! Tell me?!"

"You want to go Ramla? You need $200, you don't have enough money" (random guy chips in, having looked through my wallet in my purse)

The guy behind the counter, the lady who accused me of overstaying my VISA and the random dude all surrounded me at this point, watching the blonde proving his power over me.

"I am not letting you in Israel"

"WHAT? WHY not?!"

"You are lying. You said you went to Jordan to visit family. That is a lie. You went to renew your visa to come back here. You are lying about why you are coming here"

"Yeah I did go to renew my VISA and visit my family. So? I am visiting family in Ramla. So? "

"You have been visiting family since September. You will keep doing this. Leave and come back."

At one point, I noticed that random guy was looking through my pictures that he pulled from my bags. I wanted to say something but this blonde was in my face raging because I was so clean. He kept at it,

"Give me ONE good reason why I should let you in Israel" (he said this 4 times, and I answered the same answer 4 times)

"Why don't you go to China, to America to Latin America. WHY HERE!?"

"Because I'm Palestinian"

"No you are not Palestinian"

"Okay whatever. I want to visit family, and travel around and go to the beach. That's what tourists do!"

"I won't let you in. You are going back to Jordan. OK! you UNDERSTAND!"

"That's not fair. Give me one good reason you won't let me in! What am I doing wrong? You can call all my family in Ramla and ask them!" I was beginning to put effort in holding back tears. The tears of anger. Of defeat.

He went back in. All of them did. In that room. And I sat, on the bench, unsure of what I was supposed to do. I re-thought my approach. No, I did everything right.

15 minutes later, the worst 15 minutes of my recent life, the 'you overstayed your visa' lady came with a yellow notepad and with a shifted attitude, a more humane one and asked me for all the numbers because she said I have "security problems".

I could ask, "what security problems?" But it would be useless. I started to realize it was all a psychological game. I gave her all the numbers. She asked a couple more questions and then advised that if I want to go to Ramla, I should take a certain route. ("If you are let in Israel, that is,") And then before she left, she told me I wasn't supposed to go to Jordan to renew my VISA that I should have gone through the Ministry of Interior to get it renewed. I said ok, I didn't know. She just shrugged and went back in.

30minutes later. She comes back out and hands me the passport. "You can go"

Relieved, I opened my passport only to find the Israeli visa stamp crossed out and replaced with a handwritten "ONE WEEK".

After four hours of that dreadful experience, I only got one week?

Was this a way to tell me that I have one week to extend my VISA the 'right' way...or...just to show that they are the boss and I am at their mercy...or both.

Either way, I am screwed because the Jewish Passover Holiday - everything is closed UNTIL Wednesday. And I got the passport stamped on Saturday...which leaves me three days to get an extension. But Friday they are closed. So really, two days.

What are the chances that I will get an extension? With my luck and being in Palestine? Absolutely NONE.

So here is the story to my newfound defeatist attitude. And though I tried, I really tried to be in Palestine...it's just not working out. I left everything behind to embark on the search to know what it is really like to be Palestinian to live in Palestine.

Then again, in a way, what happened to me is what it really is like to be Palestinian. I understand now what it feels like to be powerless. To tolerate occupation. And there's not much we can do about it.

Not here, at least, and not now.